When I met my partner, DJ, he wasn’t sure he wanted to have children. I, on the other hand, knew that it was the path for me. 

Before I met him, I was planning to start a family on my own and I told him as much on our first date. How’s that for an awkward first date conversation?! I was sure I would never hear from him again.

Being new to the Boulder area at the time, during the height of COVID, dating apps were a solid way to meet new people, even if it started and ended with a single sushi date, a bold proclamation of where I was headed, and a likely spotlight on mismatched life goals or timelines. I would have been happy to make a new friend, if nothing else.

I have been proactively practicing nervous system regulation in one form or another since 2013. 

For the first 7 years, managing how my nervous system responded to stress was summed up in one practice—meditation. At the time, I knew nothing about the nervous system and how it worked, I just knew that I struggled with anxiety and meditation helped. 

Then in 2020, a month before lock down kicked off, I started working with a therapist, Kate, who changed my life. 

I had tried therapy before and grown from it, but this was different. Kate introduced me to my nervous system and the different states it could be in, which can be summarized in the following framework, the polyvagal theory:

• Ventral vagal - safe and social - home base

• Sympathetic - fight or flight - my go-to, “home” away from the home base of ventral vagal

• Dorsal vagal - shutdown and collapse

A few weeks ago I was taking a shower detangling my sudsy hair between my fingers, when out of nowhere an old painful memory washed over me, dousing me in a warm bath of sticky shame. Shadow-side thoughts came flooding back:

“Ugh gross, you were so ignorant and unprepared. You thought you were great, but you were pathetic.” 😬

“Your coworkers would never guess. Make sure they never find out.” 😞

(Yikes, my inner critic can be vicious. Yours too?)

I’ve used food as a medicator for as long as I can remember. 

We all have our tools of “choice” for regulating our nervous systems in an increasingly overwhelming and stressful world. For some people it’s alcohol, for some it’s TikTok, for others it’s work. For me it’s always been food.

The problem is that while eating has brought me a lot of comfort when I needed it most, it’s also been a source of a great deal of pain, both emotional and physical.

I have a harmful habit of blaming others when I feel agitated, frustrated or dysregulated.

I think to myself: 

 “Life is hard enough. Why are you making this harder than it needs to be?! If you just listened to me/were more self aware/paid attention/did your work etc, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

I’m really good at identifying what the other person is “doing wrong,” perseverating about it, and telling them what they need to change so I can feel more comfortable in my own skin.

In October of 2020, I was talking to a mentor who said, 

“You’re taking on everyone else’s thoughts and ideas—you need to clear those out so you can find your own voice.”

At the time I was going through multiple BIG life transitions all at once, struggling to make decisions across:

Where to live - I had moved from SF to Boulder in June, 2020 and was trying to decide whether to stay and build a life there, or move home to be near my family in Cleveland.

Whether to have a child on my own - I froze my eggs in my 30s specifically for that moment in time. I had just turned 41 and broken up with my boyfriend 6 months earlier (for the second time). I thought, “I either do it now, or it will never happen for me.”

Developing a regular meditation practice has been critical in helping me learn how to better metabolize chronic stress. When I share that, one of the most common responses I hear is:

"I've tried to meditate, but it's not for me. My mind is too busy, it won't quiet down."

I 100% understand why people feel this way. Meditation can be deeply uncomfortable...at first. When starting out, we often sit to meditate with the expectation of creating an empty, peaceful mind.

Nervous system regulation is one of the most overlooked tools for improving your quality of life and treating health issues like anxiety, depression, and chronic pain and illness.

No one is talking about it despite the fact that our nervous system rules our reactions to EVERYTHING we care about—and the results we get across the most important areas of our lives.

Learning how to consciously regulate my nervous system is my number one focus and will be my unlock this year - here’s why:

Heal from chronic illness - After 4 years of suffering from debilitating mystery symptoms and seeing dozens of healthcare providers, I was finally diagnosed with an immune cell disorder called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). From my research on chronic illness, I’ve learned nervous system dysregulation is one of the most influential factors that keeps people stuck in a loop of pain and illness. Regulating the nervous system and moving from the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze) to the parasympathetic (rest and digest) is the first step to healing.

“Just figure out what you’re good at and do more of that - don’t distract yourself with your weaknesses.” Successful people give this advice all the time, but is it good advice? And should you follow it?

The answer is no.

In some cases, it may be useful for someone who has a very specialized skill set that’s in high demand and knows they want to do that one thing for the rest of their lives. But for anyone else - those of us who don’t want to get pigeonholed, and do want to earn our way into leadership and excel once we get there - we must do both.

Double down on your strengths and improve your weaknesses... to a certain point. More on that in a moment, but first a story.