When I met my partner, DJ, he wasn’t sure he wanted to have children. I, on the other hand, knew that it was the path for me.
Before I met him, I was planning to start a family on my own and I told him as much on our first date. How’s that for awkward first date conversation? I was sure I would never hear from him again.
Being new to the Boulder area during the height of COVID, dating apps were a solid way to meet new people, even if it started and ended with a single sushi date, a bold proclamation of where I was headed, and, likely, a spotlight on mismatched life goals or timelines. I would have been happy to make a new friend, if nothing else.
On the drive home, he called his AA sponsor, “Bob, she told me she is going to start a family on her own.”
Bob’s response?
“I like her, she knows what she wants.”
I will be forever grateful to Bob for many reasons, this pearl of wisdom being the first.
As DJ and I got more serious, he very quickly came to a fork in the road where he had to make a decision. I was in the fast lane on the highway to parenthood, and he had to decide whether he was going to hop in for the ride of his life. We’d only connected on Hinge nine months before, and dated long distance for the first six of those months.
In the process of finding his truth about becoming a dad, DJ talked to the two men he respects and relies on most about their experiences as fathers–Bob and his previous sponsor, Rusty, both of whom said some version of the following:
“Having kids is the hardest, best thing I’ve ever done.”
And with that, DJ was in. For better or worse, he makes decisions quickly and decisively.
When DJ shared Bob’s and Rusty’s perspectives with me, I was intrigued by this particular characterization of parenting. I realized I had been hearing a similar message in one form or another from all of my friends who had children. This was a concise yet poignant way to sum it up, and in my heart I instantly felt what they meant.
My friend Amanda said it another way, “I have been taken to the deepest parts of ALL my human emotions since becoming a parent. From pure joy to pure fear to pure rage.”
After hearing some version of this refrain on repeat, I decided to do a little research. I wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into with this extreme sport called parenting.
Everyone says it’s the hardest thing–but what are the actual hard things?
And everyone says it’s the most rewarding thing–but why?
I asked a bunch of parents the top 1-2 hardest things about parenting and the top 1-2 most rewarding things. Here are the high level themes I heard:
The hardest things:
Time - Balancing all of our priorities and still finding time to rest and take care of ourselves feels nearly impossible.
Trusting our instincts - Everybody has opinions but only we know what’s best for ourselves and our children.
Side note from me: One of my goals is to better learn to trust myself and my body so that I can also trust my children and their bodies. Children know their own truth from day one, and as a parent I want to model self trust and support their development of self trust. Many parents accidentally teach their children to doubt themselves and instead trust others who “know better.” They say things like, “You can’t leave the table until you finish the food on your plate,” instead of “How does your tummy feel? Do you feel full? Hungry? Something in between?”
Loss of freedom and autonomy - Parenting is unrelenting and kids are completely dependent on us for everything. Then, as they get older we need to pull back and let them grow up, which leads to constant worry and is the opposite of freedom.
Guilt - It’s impossible to do everything that matters well and we often feel guilty about it— “mom guilt” is real.
Tech - Most of us didn’t spend our childhood with our heads in technology. I spent my childhood playing with horses and running through the woods. Phones, tablets and social media have infiltrated our lives, and children now, unlike us, don’t know a world without them.
Helplessness and letting go - Watching our children struggle and be in pain, not being able to fix it, and realizing we need to let them develop resilience through struggle is terrifying.
Meeting the needs of children with special needs - Whether our child is autistic, has severe allergies, or any other type of serious medical, physical or emotional challenge, figuring out what they need and meeting them with support takes an already hard job and turns it up to 1000.
Pure exhaustion - This is an inevitable that gets in the way of being able to show up as the parents we aspire to be.
We have no idea how to be parents - Just like the other most important things in life (emotion regulation, relationships, how to manage money etc) parenting is not taught in school, so we just learn it by doing and making mistakes. Lots of mistakes.
The best things:
Reexperiencing childhood - Getting to see the world through fresh eyes again and feel the awe and wonder that comes with childhood can be a reawakening for many parents.
Growing as humans - There are few things in life that accelerate our growth as humans in relationship with other humans more than parenting (if we let it).
Delighting in what delights them - Our children are their own beings with their own fascinations, and we have the opportunity to discover new delights in this world by supporting them in exploring their unique interests.
Pure love and joy - What’s more joyful than the feeling of loving and being loved in return? Nothing! And who loves with abandon more than small children who haven’t yet internalized the sting of rejection? No one!
Pride - We’re not talking about the harmful kind of pride here, we’re talking about that feeling of deep satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment we get from walking alongside our children as they struggle, fall down, get back up, try harder, triumph, fall again and get back up again. We get the honor of being their companion and guide on this journey.
Witnessing their becoming - Each child develops their own unique personality, sense of humor, interests, challenges and strengths. These characteristics, particular to each and every child, aren’t up to us and can’t be controlled by us (thank goodness). But if we open our minds and cultivate curiosity about who our children are independent of us, we become one of the benefactors of the fascinating conversations and moments of learning, growth and connection that result from our children’s becoming.
Given how this story started, you may think that I have always felt destined to be a mother.
In one way you’d be right–I always knew in my bones that it was a choice I would likely make, even if I didn’t find a partner to do it with. Yet, as I witnessed how hard it was for my friends, and contrasted that with the freedom DJ and I had, I had so many moments of paralyzing fear and hand-wringing doubt.
But now that there’s no turning back and a little Bass Bishop is due this July, I’m so happy to be on this roller coaster ride into parenting with DJ. Unlike a traditional roller coaster, there is no warning for the next big hill or loop de loop. Yet, I feel ready to loosen the death grip on the bar and throw my hands in the air.