In October 2020, I was talking to a mentor who said,
“You’re taking on everyone else’s thoughts and ideas—clear your head so you can hear your own voice.”
At the time I was going through multiple BIG life transitions all at once, struggling to make decisions across:
Where to live - I had moved from SF to Boulder in June, 2020 and was trying to decide whether to stay and build a life there, or move home to be near my family in Cleveland.
Whether to have a child on my own - I froze my eggs in my 30s specifically for that moment in time. I had just broken up with my boyfriend 6 months before and I thought, “It's now or never.”
Whether to give my new relationship a chance - I had just met DJ, my now partner of 2+ years. I was afraid starting a new relationship would distract me from making the most consequential decision of my life.
How to forge a path as a writer and entrepreneur - I had left my utterly exhausting job at Google in a state of burn out. I’d transitioned from sprinting at Google, to consulting 15-20 hours/wk. I needed space to breathe and navigate these personal decisions. Yet, I didn’t want to consult forever—I wanted to write and create and make a solid living doing so.
I felt panicky and immobilized all in the same breath. I was calling my mom, 5 of my closest friends, and my therapist on rotation, running through the same scenarios. I was desperately asking them a question they couldn't answer, though they so lovingly tried:
What should I do?!
Hearing those wise words, “Get everyone else out of your head and listen for your own voice,” I realized what I so desperately needed wasn’t answers, it was to trust myself.
I spent so much energy in the throes of indecision, playing mental tug-of-war between conflicting advice, trying to figure out the “right” thing to do.
What I really wanted was to take a deep breath and accept that there were no right or wrong decisions, there were only MY decisions.
I felt ready to trust that I would be ok no matter what I decided.
Lately, I’ve found myself trying new ways of moving through hard decisions:
External focus is transitioning to internal focus - I ask for advice less often, and mostly share my decisions only when ready. I’ve started responding to questions like “When are you going to start IVF?” with, “I’m not sure, I’ll let you know.” I’m letting that be a good enough answer, whether others are happy with it or not.
I’m accepting not knowing as the path to knowing - When things get hard, more and more, I slow down and allow myself to tread water, or even lie still. Sometimes waiting for the knowing is excruciating, sometimes it's a lovely reprieve. Both experiences are ok.
I’ve identified the people who trust me to make the best decisions for me and ask for their support when I’m struggling. They never try to answer questions about my life they aren’t qualified to answer. They just sit with me in the quagmire and remind me my heart can be trusted.
Next time life gets hard, try to remember it’s ok not to know right now. Put one foot in front of the other, follow the unfolding of your life—you can trust yourself.