I have a habit of blaming others when I feel agitated, frustrated or dysregulated.
I think to myself:
“Life is hard enough. Why are you making this harder than it needs to be?! If you just listened to me/were more self aware/paid attention/did your work etc, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
I’m really good at identifying what the other person is “doing wrong,” perseverating about it, and telling them what they need to change so I can feel more comfortable in my own skin.
The power of Dismantling learned relational patterns
What I’ve realized slowly over several years of breaking down my conditioned relational patterns, and intentionally building new ones, is that this habit of focusing on what others are or aren’t doing, keeps me from living in the truth of my own experience, as joyful or as uncomfortable as it may be.
There are a lot of names for this behavior—self abandonment, codependence, overfunctioning and others, I’m sure. Whatever we want to call it, one thing is for sure, it stands in the way of the connection I seek - both with myself and the people I care about.
So, this year I’m building a new habit.
Every time I notice myself locking into how someone else is not showing up the way I want, I’m going practice these 4 steps as often as I can:
Pause and breathe, actually feel the breath filling my lungs and oxygenating my body. I’m going to sloooowww doooown and ground myself in my body so I have space to respond, rather than react.
Redirect my focus from the other person back onto myself
Ask myself two questions:
How do I feel right now? (Try this feelings inventory)
What do I need? (Try this needs inventory)
Consider sharing what I find out about myself, depending on the situation and who it’s with. If it’s not a great time to share or isn’t a safe environment for vulnerability, then I’ll reflect on my feelings and needs and use them to direct my responses.
Note to self—have grace and empathy. There will be times I don’t notice I’m falling into old habits until the moment has come and gone. It’s ok. Get back on the horse. Keep going. This is a practice.
If any of this resonates, I invite you to try this experiment with me. Let me know how it goes.